Well, here it goes. My blog of self-discovery.
I have never had any semblance of self-confidence. I was teased throughout my childhood for one thing or another, ridiculed for being me by family members, had very few friends (still don't have many), and generally felt like an outsider. That's me, Version 1.0. When I moved away for college 17 years ago, I decided to take charge and change how I presented myself to others. I tried to act more confident. Version 2.0 wasn't much better than the previous version. I've recently come to the realization that feigning confidence (or "fake it till you make it") doesn't work, at least not for me.
I feel like I'm that mime who is stuck in a glass box. Everyone and everything is just passing me by. I want to get out. I want to really feel connected to people. I want to truly feel confident and not just be putting on an act or a mask. Right now, I see my main personas as the Teacher, the Mother, the Wife. I don't see any sign of ME, whoever I am, if I even exist. I feel like no matter how hard I try, I can't do anything right. I'm wrong no matter what. I've been told recently that *that* sentiment is wrong. I'm having trouble figuring out if that proves my point or not.
I will be finding a professional to talk with in the next few days. (It's currently Saturday, hence the delay.) What I need from you, dear readers, is your prayers. Lots of them. I need to find out who Version 3.0 is and I HAVE to like her. This process is not going to be easy, nor will the posts be full of uplifting things. Don't tell me to "cool it" or not to say whatever it is I'm saying. That negates my feelings which, believe it or not, are real to me and should be treated as valid. I'm not looking for pity. I'm looking for support as Version 3.0 works her way out from the depths of my insides.
Hi Stephanie, I do understand what you are saying.... I also grew up being "the pastor's daughter, John's sister, Marissa's mom and never had my own identity. Now that my daughter is living on her own it was difficult to find "myself" but it forced me to and I am finding it easier to just be me. I am still "the pastor's daughter, John's sister and Marissa's mom but I am ME and I am liking this ME! I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in this and I am here if you need to just talk. Marla
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone. I am still looking for me. I would be honored to share my journey with you, and to walk with you in yours. Prayers and blessings are with you.
ReplyDelete-Kriston
God bless you, Stephanie. You will be making this primary search while maintaining all of your secondary personas. You will find your voice, and you will learn to understand and dismiss those of small mind and jealous nature whose negative influences have served you so poorly. You have respected them when they were not respecting you. Ask NOTHING of them. Take away their power, and put it back in your own hands where it belongs. This will NOT be easy. This is a life-long habit you will be learning how to break, and you will be developing new habits to use instead. It will be so easy to slide into the old habits, because it will feel so familiar and so "right" to keep checking what everyone else has to say before you form your own thoughts. It will likely be several YEARS before you don't need to think quickly for yourself and your feelings before you indulge someone else's notions and opinions. But hear these words: The more you do it, the easier it will become. Poco a poco. Step by step you will make this journey, even though the way seems long. You are going to come out on the other side, so happy! You are going to love yourself!!! The people who have fed your insecurities won't like it one bit that you are changing, even if you never say a word to them about it. They will sense the change, and they will not like it. REMEMBER WHO THEY ARE, and how their influence has injured you, and do NOT feel bad about it. You are walking in the Light of God. Go FORWARD. Do not look back.
ReplyDeleteDarling Stephanie,
ReplyDeleteI would be so honored to be included in these updates. Praying for your talented, giving, dear self. Awesome choice to be seeing a professional; you probably have someone in mind, but I have always been so impressed with the quality of Pearl Counseling if you're looking. Love to you!!
I am surprised by this as I noticed how confident Version 2.0 is and I've always wished I had your confidence. I understand how hard it is not to have friends or people that accept you for who you truly are. I think seeking help is a great idea and I wish you all the best in feeling better. Know I'm just a call away and we can always disguise it as a zoo date or something. :)
ReplyDeleteYou are....? (no name posted so I don't know!)
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ReplyDeleteI never have the right words to say, but wanted to tell you that I'm praying for you!
ReplyDeleteDenise
Your feelings are valid by virtue of being YOURS. Your feelings, your thoughts, your words.
ReplyDeleteKeep it up.
::hugs:: I am sure it will be a spectacular journey. Julia
ReplyDelete"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nia
ReplyDeleteSending you hugs and chocolate as you start the journey! =)
~Fiona
Hugs!!! I will be praying for you!!! I would have never guessed these would be issues because I have always found your posts and writings to be so positive even in hard school times! There are so many layers that make up all of us - praying for you on this road of discovery!
ReplyDeleteHey Stephanie you are in my prayers too. I think when we doubt ourselves we forget how many peoples lives we touch in whatever small way and really, the core joy and sincerity of us is what shows through, even if through some mask or wall. It reaches those who are ready to accept it. You are in my heart, I love your posts and there is so much goodwill that comes from just knowing you are a part of my community. Besos y abrazos! Kisses and hugs! We all have our battles and you are just starting to pick your battle gear! -Steph E
ReplyDeleteThis is Melinda from FB...I work in the field, so send me a message if you need referrals. Big hugs and prayers!
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