Well, here it goes. My blog of self-discovery.
I have never had any semblance of self-confidence. I was teased throughout my childhood for one thing or another, ridiculed for being me by family members, had very few friends (still don't have many), and generally felt like an outsider. That's me, Version 1.0. When I moved away for college 17 years ago, I decided to take charge and change how I presented myself to others. I tried to act more confident. Version 2.0 wasn't much better than the previous version. I've recently come to the realization that feigning confidence (or "fake it till you make it") doesn't work, at least not for me.
I feel like I'm that mime who is stuck in a glass box. Everyone and everything is just passing me by. I want to get out. I want to really feel connected to people. I want to truly feel confident and not just be putting on an act or a mask. Right now, I see my main personas as the Teacher, the Mother, the Wife. I don't see any sign of ME, whoever I am, if I even exist. I feel like no matter how hard I try, I can't do anything right. I'm wrong no matter what. I've been told recently that *that* sentiment is wrong. I'm having trouble figuring out if that proves my point or not.
I will be finding a professional to talk with in the next few days. (It's currently Saturday, hence the delay.) What I need from you, dear readers, is your prayers. Lots of them. I need to find out who Version 3.0 is and I HAVE to like her. This process is not going to be easy, nor will the posts be full of uplifting things. Don't tell me to "cool it" or not to say whatever it is I'm saying. That negates my feelings which, believe it or not, are real to me and should be treated as valid. I'm not looking for pity. I'm looking for support as Version 3.0 works her way out from the depths of my insides.
